The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
