Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
