so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
