I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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