I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
