Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
