I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
