i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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