Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
