Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
