Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
