I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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