My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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