What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
