Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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