she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
