i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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