Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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