What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
