the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
