dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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