My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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