turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and she was petting her beer can
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
