I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
