So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
