She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
