I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
