we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
