i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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