tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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