One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
