i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
