RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
