I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
