i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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