Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
