There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
