Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
