I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
