so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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