Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
