Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
