As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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