I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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