she woke up with a sticky ear
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
