just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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