Everything about him screamed your future.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We were destined to go to rehab together
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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