There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
