my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
