Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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